You don’t HAVE to have sex first; you WANT to have sex first.
Which is fine – as long as the woman is up for the insecurity of not knowing where your relationship is headed. “If our culture starts once again demanding and creating chaste women, you’re going to get chaste women through and through.” Chaste means abstaining from extramarital or all intercourse.
Naturally, calling a guy a boyfriend doesn’t guarantee a lasting marriage – not by any stretch of the imagination. Which is the entire point of my suggestion – it weeds out the guys who aren’t serious about you really fast.
“We woman are damned if we do and damned if we don’t. Wait too long and the guy will get it somewhere else.” Nope. No one is suggesting that you’re losing out on a prize of a man if he values getting laid in three dates over how much he values you. I think you have all the power in the world: to be sexual, to assess your options, to understand his point of view, to make him feel good, and to STILL insist that your man be interested in pursuing a relationship before you have sex.
“EMK’s advice seems unrealistic for anyone not wearing a promise ring.” Actually, it’s quite realistic.
Now I know that writing this is not going to change a thing. First of all, here was the premise of my original post: “You want to find out if a man is serious about you? If you don’t – because you’re a liberated woman who can have sex whenever you damn well please – don’t be too surprised if a decent percentage of those men never call again.
People who were irked by the concept that women should make men invest more before having sex are still probably going to be irked – but at least I’ll know that I gave it my best shot to illustrate my arguments effectively. Again, I’m not remotely judgmental of those who have sex without commitment; I will only point out as a dating coach that it tends to lead to sub-optimal results from men because they didn’t have to do anything special to get into bed with you.” I can’t see anything about which one can argue. 🙂 Below are some of the comments I received (in italics), along with my responses.
It was purely for light-hearted entertainment purposes.
You know you were fascinated with that list, don’t lie.
In that regard, sex is no different than learning that he’s got anger issues or is a bad communicator.
You work with what you’ve got and if you can’t make it work, you break up.
If you don’t want to get married, if you don’t want to have kids, and if you would rather be alone than make any compromises, Ms. Alas, it wildly misinterprets what I was suggesting.
Believe it or not, most men do not lie in order to get sex. Sex is so readily available from women that there’s no incentive for a guy to have to say something untrue like, “I love you” or “I want to be your boyfriend” in order to get laid. Holding out for commitment will, in fact, scare the guy away who only wants to get laid. And if she let me know that she didn’t sleep with guys outside of a commitment, I’d have been out the door in a heartbeat.
A while back, we did a story on white male celebrities that enjoy courting black women.